DEVELOPING A DIFFERENT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BRAIN (EMOTIONS, THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS)

While growing up, we are all taught about how others believe the mind works and how we are supposed to cope with emotions. Sometimes the rules are stated explicitly (“Don’t be afraid” or “Stop crying!” communicates that it is expected that you should not feel afraid or cry.). Sometimes the rules are communicated less directly (People might avoid you when you are crying or may laugh at you if you are afraid. These less direct ways of communication still let you know that it’s not okay to cry or be afraid.) We are taught that we should be able to control our thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

In American culture, public expression of many if not most emotions are negatively judged by others. This to a great degree reflects the influence of many immigrants from northern Europe, such as Great Britain (“the stiff upper lip”), Germany, and Scandinavia, where emotional expression is very reserved. Public expression of sadness or fear (or any strong, unpleasant emotion) is often to be considered a sign of weakness and/or mental instability. Public disapproval of emotional display may be direct (e.g., criticism) or indirect (e.g., shunning). However, in other cultures (e.g., southern European cultures) open expression of emotion is viewed as much more socially acceptable, if not celebrated.

However, in actuality many of our thoughts, particularly the automatic thoughts, are generated by a part of our brain over which we have no conscious control. All of our emotions are generated by a part of our brain over which we have no conscious control. The seat of emotions is centered in a part of the brain called the amygdala. However, the source of emotion is likely a lot more complicated and centered throughout perhaps many parts of the brain.

Also, another important “rule” of the brain is that the more a person tries to not feel a feeling or think a thought, the more the brain produces that feeling or thought. Have you ever tried to forget something? If you try to forget a word or an idea, the harder you try, actually the better you remember the word or idea. And the same with emotion. The harder you try not to feel an emotion, the more the brain pushes back and produces more of the emotion.

The primary purpose of the brain is to promote survival. Likewise, emotions and thoughts exist for the primary purpose of promoting survival. Emotions are often seen as something mystical or even almost magical and hard to understand. Really what emotions are, is pretty straightforward--a means of nonverbal communication. They tell us something about what our brain sees and the relationship the brain perceives between itself and someone or something in the environment. Each emotion communicates a different message that could be useful for survival. The two most basic emotions are closely tied to the most basic survival mechanism—the fight or flight instinct (which is noted further below).

Emotions are a natural product of the brain and the survival mechanisms that exist—not only in humans, but in fact in just about all living creatures. As we have discovered most animals experience emotion and there is even evidence that animals experience empathy—the ability to perceive and feel what other animals feel. Emotions are a part of being alive.

However, most of us were raised to believe that some emotions were “good.” These “good” emotions (e.g., happiness, love, joy, surprise) are almost always pleasant ones, which individuals are encouraged to pursue. Other emotions are labeled “bad”. These “bad” emotions (e.g., anger, fear, sadness) are almost always unpleasant ones, which individuals are encouraged to avoid or minimize.

However, it’s most helpful to view emotions as neither good or bad. Emotions are just what they are. Learning to accept emotions without a moral judgment helps one deal more effectively with them. Not judging emotions as morally good or bad also helps one refrain from not trying to avoid the emotions. As noted previously, when we try to avoid or control the emotions, the brain tends to generate more of that emotion and at a high intensity.

So what messages do emotions communicate? Below is a table of some of the most commonly troublesome and unpleasant emotions with which people struggle. (Pleasant emotions also convey messages, but are typically not the focus or cause of problems.)

Emotion	The brain sends the message that:
Anger	Something is perceived as a threat or a danger to physical well-being and that the person needs to prepare to fight for survival.
Fear	Something is perceived as a threat or a danger to physical well-being and that the person needs to prepare to flee for survival.
Sadness	Something or something important for survival has been or will be lost.
Guilt	The person has done something wrong (or thinking about doing something that is wrong) and that punishment is a likely consequence for the transgression.
Shame	The person has done something wrong (or thinking about doing something that is wrong) and that punishment (i.e. disapproval by others) is a likely consequence for the transgression.
Jealousy	An important relationship is in jeopardy of being lost (affection lost to another).
Frustration	Something needed for survival is not being received or available.
Loneliness	There is a lack of meaningful connection to others.
Anxiety	There is a vague or ambiguous (unspecified) sense of danger or threat.
Disgust	The person is facing something that poses a threat to health (e.g., infection or contamination).
Envy	Someone else has a possession or material goods that one desires or needs for survival.
Alienation	There is a lack of compatibility to others who are around (i.e., the person does not fit in with a particular or any available social group).